Antithetic

If I were to be brutally honest, all of my worldly achievements stems from deeply rooted insecurities. The need to constantly prove myself to be worthy of people’s time, space, and attention is more than just a fleeting need for validation. Ideally, growth should feel as empowering as it is confusing. Time and time again, however, life proves that I am unfit for the shape of ideals.

Nearly over two decades long battles were fought in solo valiantly, and I have never bothered to seek for anything than my own backbone to get me by. When someone, anyone really, finally puts their faith in me it usually ends up as a testament of heartbreaks. That makes fighting for my own life only ever worth sending a single soldier to the battle grounds; me. It takes away any moral obligations to reserve gratitude to anyone except for myself, until I willingly choose to stop fighting.

In one of her songs, Taylor Swift tells the story of heartbreak after calling off a relationship with the person she thought believed in her the most when the rest of the world unjustly compromises her sanity by questioning her morality and labels her character as somewhat revolting. The belief that someone could believe in you so wholeheartedly when everyone else (in her case, quite literally) chooses to turn against you, and to fine that same belief crushed by a system built solidly over years could easily break anyone. But imagine that said person is none other than yourself. Who do you turn to then?

In a few months I might return to this piece of writing and tell you how it turns out, or maybe I won’t. Either way, maybe it is about time to go back to reflection once again, hoping I would accidentally bump into clarity or that I might find it in resolution instead.